Rough night, no sleep in sight

It's 6am and I haven't slept.

It started around midnight. I could feel it creeping in. All those thoughts and feelings that I couldn't ever quite focus on, like something in the periphery of my vision that vanishes whenever i try and get a closer look. I just felt....everything and not really anything.

It always comes on like a wave that sweeps me away with it. I'll feel it building up, and before I know it, I'm lost in this sea of FEELING. It's overwhelming. I felt lonely, bored, hopeless, angry, anxious, agitated, confused, irritated, exhausted, guilty....all at once.

For a while, I just curled into a ball and cried. It's intensely....uncomfortable, this feeling. You feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Hate to sound so cliche, and I hate this song, but it really is like crawling in your skin. After a while, I crawled in bed with my fiancée, who woke up and asked what was wrong. I didn't know and it frustrated me even more. I cried some, but then the frustration took over and before I knew it, I was yelling not to be touched or bothered. My fiancée knows this usually ends in self-harm, so refused to leave me alone and unattended. I raged at him, threw things, anything to be left alone. It got to be 3am.

Eventually, he backed me into a corner and forced me into a hug. I resisted. I yelled, cried, kicked, screamed, but eventually gave in. I sobbed until I couldn't anymore and let him hold and comfort me, even though I told him I had no right to be comforted. I hated myself. Hated what I'd put him through, what I continue to put him through.

We laid together and he held me and talked to me until he fell asleep. I got back up after awhile and he asked if I was okay. I told him not really, but that I was safe at least. He told me to wake him if I needed him.