Finding the Right Medication: Let's See What Sticks

Borderline Personality disorder, like any other mental illness, is just that, an illness, and as such it requires specialized medical treatment. Unfortunately, that treatment still isn't an exact science, and what patients are left with is often a seemingly unending cycle of new medications to try. Almost a 'see what sticks' approach.

It gets old, fast.

Not only does it leave you feeling more like a guinea pig than an individual seeking treatment, the process can be long and arduous. From the insecurity of not knowing when you'll finally find the right medication, to the side effects each can cause, to the misunderstanding of friends and loved ones, it's a hard road that, unfortunately, psychiatric patients are forced to march down.

First, each patient responds to each medication differently and there is no one pill that cures depression, schizophrenia, or what have you. This means each patient starts with an essentially blank slate, medication wise, and that treatment must be evaluated and individually tailored to suite the patient. Also, treatment seldom involves just one medication, meaning that many combinations of multiple drugs must be tried and ruled out until the right one is found, seemingly more through trail and error and educated guesses than anything else.These medications often take a period of multiple weeks to begin to show effects, prolonging the process even further.

Then, there are the side effects each of these medications carries. Everything from blurred vision to seizures, or even the Black Labeled drugs, which can increase the symptoms of depression and suicidality. These side effects require the patient to be ever mindful of any changes in themselves and, if found, the patient must then evaluate whether given side effect is tolerable or not.

Even the most vigilant and compliant patient can get stuck in this cycle, as I myself am still going through, and it can take a tole both on the patient and those who cae about them. Often times, friends and family members don't truly understand the often lengthy process of finding the right medications or the nature of the difficulties involved, leading them to blame the patient themselves for not responding to the prescribed medications. Other times, it can lead a patient to become so frustrated that they give up on treatment entirely.

It is my hope in writing this that people will begin to understand that psychiatric treatment is, at best, a long process. There is still not much known about the nature or causality of these disorders and many advancements still needed in the way we treat the mentally ill. It's a slow process, much like treatment itself, but it is a process worth persevering through. Each step, each advancement, however small it may seem, brings of closer to the goal of better health and better treatment.

Hospital Need To Knows: Managing Crisis Situations

Everyone faces crises sometime during heir lives. This guide is aimed to help you manage those stressful situations in a way that promotes acceptance and healing.

• Recognize the problem and ACT.

Disowning the problem will lead to further complications and can often initiate the crisis itself. Accepting and facing the problem head on is the best way to deal with it. Acceptance is key to a healthy recovery.

• Deal with the crisis.

Dealing with the crisis itself can be both intimidating and stressful in and of itself. However, it is imperative that one does so. You HAVE to deal with a crisis, as per above, it can't go ignored without becoming a larger situation.

• Expect some amount of failure.

Every decision invokes some amount of risk, and under the stress of a crisis, you're decision making is likely to be a little compromised. It's okay! Mistakes are part of growing and, ultimately, healing. <3

• Accept your limitations.

In a crisis situation, you're likely to be depressed, angry, anxious, uninterested, or any combination of those things. You might not be able to do the things that were once routine, you might have to stay at a hospital, and you might have a long recovery afterwards. That's okay, too! Accepting these difficult circumstances helps you to take the first steps in your journey to recovery.

Crises are difficult for anyone, and for those of us suffering from mental illness, it can be overwhelming. But remember, you aren't alone and there is recovery. It can take tie, but until you accept that it is what it is, you're stuck at the starting line. Acceptance is the decision to start acting, to start moving towards the recovery you can achieve.

Hospital Need To Knows: How To Know You're In Crisis

It sounds pretty self-explanatory, such as when you're self-harming or suicidal, or if you have thoughts of hurting others, but there are many more subtle signs many people fail to notice until it's too late and they end up involuntarily hospitalized. This list is to , hopefully, help everyone out there from ending like that and to help them understand how to 'watch' their illness.

• Monitor your daily moods/ mood changes, along with any 'episodes'.

- This allows you to better understand what your norm is and can help you identify changes from your norm. It can also serve to allow you to see patterns, such s having a string of bad days. This could be a sign of needing to check in to the hospital for a few days.

• Keep records of your medications, how you respond to them, and any side effects you experience.

- This can be very helpful for both yourself and your doctor. It serves to better understand how your meds are working, and IF they're working for you.

• If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others
• If you have suicidal thoughts or gestures.
• If your medications are causing side effects you can't accept.

I hope this list has been helpful to all of you out there. Remember, knowing your illness in any way and every way you can is th key to recovery.

I will be updating tomorrow with a post on what to do when you're in crisis.

Psych Hospitals: What You Need to Know Before You Go

Let me first start off by saying that I'm fine and safe. I did however spend a few days in the local psych treatment center to stabilize my medications. They seem to be working out well thus far, and I will keep everyone posted. ^_^

Now onto the real topic of this post.

After having seen many people in psych units who didn't know what to expect or how to best use their time during their stay, I've decided to do a 3week of hospital stay related posts. From when to check in, what to pack, what to expect, how to best use your stay there, to what you can do to help minimize hospitalizations.

I hope it will serve to help both people who have never been in hospital settings, to those who are, for lack of a better term, veterans. I feel learning as much as you can about your illness, meds, and treatment options is the best tool for recovery.

Rough night, no sleep in sight

It's 6am and I haven't slept.

It started around midnight. I could feel it creeping in. All those thoughts and feelings that I couldn't ever quite focus on, like something in the periphery of my vision that vanishes whenever i try and get a closer look. I just felt....everything and not really anything.

It always comes on like a wave that sweeps me away with it. I'll feel it building up, and before I know it, I'm lost in this sea of FEELING. It's overwhelming. I felt lonely, bored, hopeless, angry, anxious, agitated, confused, irritated, exhausted, guilty....all at once.

For a while, I just curled into a ball and cried. It's intensely....uncomfortable, this feeling. You feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Hate to sound so cliche, and I hate this song, but it really is like crawling in your skin. After a while, I crawled in bed with my fiancée, who woke up and asked what was wrong. I didn't know and it frustrated me even more. I cried some, but then the frustration took over and before I knew it, I was yelling not to be touched or bothered. My fiancée knows this usually ends in self-harm, so refused to leave me alone and unattended. I raged at him, threw things, anything to be left alone. It got to be 3am.

Eventually, he backed me into a corner and forced me into a hug. I resisted. I yelled, cried, kicked, screamed, but eventually gave in. I sobbed until I couldn't anymore and let him hold and comfort me, even though I told him I had no right to be comforted. I hated myself. Hated what I'd put him through, what I continue to put him through.

We laid together and he held me and talked to me until he fell asleep. I got back up after awhile and he asked if I was okay. I told him not really, but that I was safe at least. He told me to wake him if I needed him.

Changes

Change. It's the only real constant in our ever-shifting world.

And frankly, it terrifies me.

Change brings about the end of something. It brings about transitions, and to me, all ends or transitions mean is failure, loss, abandonment and insecurity. I already feel as if I myself am in some kind of constant state of flux. I never really know how I might feel one moment to the next, what I might care about, what I might want. The only solid ground I have is that which I make around myself, externally. But even that's hard.

My life has been full of changes and instability, as if my inner chaos somehow spills over into the rest of my life. I hate it. I spend so much energy trying to contain it and keep what stability I have made for myself, and yet, it always seems to find a way to fall apart.

Right n0w, I have the stability of a home with a loving fiancée and our three kitty babies (the only children we ever want). I have in-laws who accept me as their own and who are always there when we need help. I have many things to be grateful for, and I hardly mean to seem as if I'm not. And yet, that chaos seems to be creeping in again.

My BPD has been bad lately, and has strained both my fiancée and myself. I've had more days than not when I simply couldn't get out of bed. I've raged at DF (dear fiancée). I've hurt myself on several occasions, which is something I (thankfully) don't engage in much anymore. I even spent last night contemplating suicide.

I know this means my meds need adjusting, and I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now trying to get that in order, but nothing seems to be helping right now. Sometimes I feel like she's just flinging pills at me to see what might stick. All that frustration just feeds into my moods, and I feel like I'm caught in this cycle of disappointment and frustration.

Adding to the stress, I can't work right now, and my DF just doesn't make enough to support the both of us with our medical needs. (He's diabetic.) I've considered applying for disability, but I've never held a steady job, so if I even qualified, the amount I'd pull would hardly even be worth it. There's also the thought of the stigma that unfortunately comes as a side order.

The financial situation is bad enough that we have considered moving in with his parents until we can save some money. I know they'd welcome us and be good to us, but what young couple wants to move back home?

Most of all though, I'm afraid of the changes it all brings. Changes in my disorder, my doctors, my meds, my relationship, and possibly my home. It feels like I'm losing everything I tried so hard to build for the both of us. I know my DF will be my constant, and we've told each other that, no matter what, we'll be there for one another. And yet, I can't help but fear that in the end, he'll just end up being transient like everything else in my life.

I don't know how not to be afraid of that.

Consistency Is Everything

You see it in any treatment program.

Structure and consistency.

It seems to be an integral part of the recovery process. Having a routine provides structure and purpose for the day.

Unfortunately, it's hard to get that when you no longer are in school or can work. It's like the summer vacation phenomenon. Without the routine of classes and assignments, we fall into boredom and laziness. (Unless you're that 2% of the population with drive and willpower.) Suffice to say, I'm not naturally in that percentile.

So, here's my attempt to force myself into a schedule, starting with my blog.

My goal is to set aside time 2 or 3 days a week to write an entry. If it goes well, I might try to post more often. I'm also going to be attempting to structure my days more, such as scheduling meals and house work.

I will be posting my progress, as well as any helpful tools or strategies I find along the way, and would love to hear your insights. Here's some questions to help you start to think about structure and routine in your own life.

Has structure been successful in your life?

Have you struggled to instill and follow a routine?

What are some helpful ways you've found to stick to your routine?

Do you use any tools, and if so, what are they and do they help?