And frankly, it terrifies me.
Change brings about the end of something. It brings about transitions, and to me, all ends or transitions mean is failure, loss, abandonment and insecurity. I already feel as if I myself am in some kind of constant state of flux. I never really know how I might feel one moment to the next, what I might care about, what I might want. The only solid ground I have is that which I make around myself, externally. But even that's hard.
My life has been full of changes and instability, as if my inner chaos somehow spills over into the rest of my life. I hate it. I spend so much energy trying to contain it and keep what stability I have made for myself, and yet, it always seems to find a way to fall apart.
Right n0w, I have the stability of a home with a loving fiancée and our three kitty babies (the only children we ever want). I have in-laws who accept me as their own and who are always there when we need help. I have many things to be grateful for, and I hardly mean to seem as if I'm not. And yet, that chaos seems to be creeping in again.
My BPD has been bad lately, and has strained both my fiancée and myself. I've had more days than not when I simply couldn't get out of bed. I've raged at DF (dear fiancée). I've hurt myself on several occasions, which is something I (thankfully) don't engage in much anymore. I even spent last night contemplating suicide.
I know this means my meds need adjusting, and I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now trying to get that in order, but nothing seems to be helping right now. Sometimes I feel like she's just flinging pills at me to see what might stick. All that frustration just feeds into my moods, and I feel like I'm caught in this cycle of disappointment and frustration.
Adding to the stress, I can't work right now, and my DF just doesn't make enough to support the both of us with our medical needs. (He's diabetic.) I've considered applying for disability, but I've never held a steady job, so if I even qualified, the amount I'd pull would hardly even be worth it. There's also the thought of the stigma that unfortunately comes as a side order.
The financial situation is bad enough that we have considered moving in with his parents until we can save some money. I know they'd welcome us and be good to us, but what young couple wants to move back home?
Most of all though, I'm afraid of the changes it all brings. Changes in my disorder, my doctors, my meds, my relationship, and possibly my home. It feels like I'm losing everything I tried so hard to build for the both of us. I know my DF will be my constant, and we've told each other that, no matter what, we'll be there for one another. And yet, I can't help but fear that in the end, he'll just end up being transient like everything else in my life.
I don't know how not to be afraid of that.
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