I haven't been writing because, frankly, I didn't feel well enough to do so. I don't know that I'm well enough now. However, I feel I need some place to chronicle the events unfolding in my life. Perhaps to share some hope with others, perhaps to simply vent, or maybe as a way to look back and see some glimmer of progress. Maybe for all those reasons.
It's been difficult.
Since I last wrote, many things have changed. I have moved to a new city and now live with my fiancée and our three cats. I'm no longer in school, having left due to my illness in October of last year. I am also unable to work, and this has put a huge financial strain on the both of us.
Fortunately however, I have found a wonderful therapist whom I feel is helping me a lot. She is dynamic with her therapy, and uses a solution-focused technique. she assists me in challenging my thinking and has an honesty that I feel helps me find new perspective. That said, she's not cheap. A main struggle now is trying to choose between quality care, or our other needs. It's sad that anyone should be made to make those kind of choices.
On my plate is also the consideration of claiming disability. As so many with mental illness know, filing for disability can be a very trying, very long process. Just the thought of going through approval stresses me, not to mention wondering if I even qualify at all. Since I've never really held down a job, I've never put in for social security. I'm not sure if I can then claim it at all.
I've also been dealing with trying to find the right combination of meds to help better stabilize my moods. Right now, I feel as if my psychiatrist is just firing pills at me to see what sticks. Sadly, that's not uncommon.
At this point in my journey, it's hard to want to continue on. It's hard to find the motivation to keep walking, or to even know which direction to head. And there are times when my financial constraints limit where I can go even further. Perhaps that's the reason I'm writing again.
I wanted to start this project as a way to help others, never really considering it could be a source of help for myself. Throughout these trials, I am learning the value of having support. It may just be the most important part of claiming recovery. If not for my fiancée and the help and care of his family and our friends, I likely would have lost my way long ago. I'm reminded of the Lord of the Rings (because I'm a nerd, ok?) Even though it was Frodo's burden to bear, he wasn't alone. and without the Fellowship, the journey would have failed.
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